i'm not sure who even read my blog nowadays. for sure, you won't be one of them. nevertheless, i feel the need to dedicate this post to you.
for the past four days, i've been reading into your life, almost an entire decade of it. it's almost surreal, the silly moments, the moments of frustration, and those oh so vivid dreams. and the most freaky thing is, it feels awfully familiar; as if i've been there, done that. yours was probably the first 'blog' i frequent, a long time ago. then things happened, and i forgot about that part of my (almost) daily routine.
then on wednesday, a night without stars, i tried to surf livejournal, looking for the latest entries of those i knew. the first name that came to mind was chowwy, and there's nothing but a short elegy to his past self: all previous posts were deleted. and then i thought of you. but i couldn't remember your lj handle, so i googled jessica's full name, hoping i could get to your site through hers. it worked. her last update was in december 2010. with 39 comments, all of which were yours.
i was dumbfounded. this wasn't the kw i know. maybe i haven't known too well, but it just didn't seem to fit my impression of you. then i tried to recall the last time i had conversation with you. there's zilch. nothing. absolutely no recollection of me ever speaking to you save for the casual greetings. maybe i haven't known you at all.
i started reading it from the year 2002. when we were in secondary 2. haha you didn't write like a secondary 2 student. then things got more interesting in secondary 3 and 4. like this wispy internet lurker hiding behind the veil of anonymity, i was captivated by your relationship with jessica, which, as you later concurred, was so so manga-esque. anedoki, isn't it? hahaha (yes i totally read it like a few years ago).
i read about your crazy antics with your clique of female friends. your parties with the fencers and a group of rag-tag weirdos you would end up calling the nationalists. how you initially resolved to keep a low profile in school yet ended up doing the craziest things in cjc. how you went through shitloads of interpersonal shit in the saf, all the time just wanting to serve and fuck off and be left alone by the jerks in the office. how you broke down in tears in front of your superiors.
i read about you trying to lose weight. to train for ahm. to embark on 'rocky training'. and about food and waterholes and fast cars. how much alcohol you can hold. i read about all the fantasy novels you've read, the latin and german texts you quote, and the lengthy philosophical spiels, of which i had to consult google at every other line.
and then, i read about the heartbreaks. how shitty you have always felt about yourself, the nightmares you always had. i chuckled when you said you somehow felt like a hardened man, that the pain you've had caused you to be desensitised, to be emotionally flatlined. because i know there's something coming there would shake you to the core.
you talked about dreams. about the little mercies in life. about sweet water and light laughter. about living from respite to respite. you said you love life itself, despite the shit it's thrown you and forced you to eat. you said life's about the little details. about exploring the backalleys of the cbd into the wee hours of the morning with qian and jessica, about having a can of strongbow cider while staring into the night sky. about reminiscing and introspection and people seeing with a cup of beer, or coffee, on a rainy afternoon. about having to watch avatar alone, having low expectations yet ending up sniffling in the seat when the credits rolled. about fantasising about dragons, and the sword in the stone, and becoming a hero in a make belief world. about having that wonderful feeling of being a boy again.
it seems in the end, you lost some of your closest friends. friends you clung onto so closely, so tightly in your formative years. your 3 years in university were especially tumultuous, and somehow, you turned to fishing for solace. i hope it works out well for you. there were times when you fought really hard for something, and still, it slipped away, leaving you with only the meekest of consolations. someone you loved and respected and somehow lost, once told you, 'circumstances change, but people don't.' i don't particularly agree with that. but i think people should fight to stay who they are. and they should damn well fight their best battle here. i don't think you've really changed, though you blog less nowadays.
at kk's funeral, i searched my memory for traces of him, of my interaction with him. and the first thing i remember, with great clarity, was a short conversation i had with him after a weekend mediatech cca session. we were at the drinking fountain by the canteen, and i asked him what he's gonna when he's home. he told me he's going to watch cardcaptor sakura on tv. and that's it. the strangest things, sometimes the most trivial ones, are the ones that stick.
when i think of you, two things come to mind. you had a pretty ang-moh girlfriend, and what you screened in class 2n in 2002. i always wondered what jessica looks like, and how many fans of nge you've nurtured in ispark over the year of 2002. i know i'm one of them. you made a difference to my life, entering chs with no childhood and a huge culture shock. that i would never forget. for that, i thank you.
i truly hope you can find a way past the quarter-life crisis and whatnot. inscribe your troubles with your blood, as you always do, but write them in the sand and let the tide wash it away. i wish you happiness.
